Bad Breeders

I’m still somewhat confused on this whole thing. First, the kid’s name. It’s now Sean Preston Federline? I thought it was Preston Sturges Federline Spears. Wasn’t it Robert Preston Spears Federline at one point? And weren’t they toying with the idea of naming the kid London, but Kevin backed out because “yo, America hates those French bitches, why would we name our kid after their capitol?” Well, whatever the poor little guy’s name is, he’s out of the hands of qualified medical professionals . Good luck, kid. You’re gonna need it.

ETA: After posting this, I took another look at the picture. Check out the guy standing behind K-Fed. See the look on his face? His countenance begs the question: who farted? The smart money’s on Britney.

The weekend is upon us, and for many parents out there, it’s time to be athletic supporters. Some parents in Raleigh, North Carolina do merit comparison to smelly jock straps, thanks to their behavior at local youth football games. Unsportsmanlike behavior by rabid Raleigh football moms and dads reached English Soccer Match levels last year. So to keep these morons at bay, city officials decided to surround the playing fields with 6 foot fences. Just what Pop Warner had in mind, I’m sure.

It wasn’t enough that the city had to employ off-duty cops to maintain order during games, even go so far as to escort refs to their cars to avoid being beaten up by roving gangs of minivan-driving hooligans. How sad for these kids, not to mention the refs and coaches that volunteer their time to work with them, that a nice day at the football field turns into a WWF Cagematch. The article goes on to highlight the disturbing trend of unhinged parents, embittered by the knowledge that their glory days of playing third-string defensive lineman on the JV squad those many years ago are long behind them, taking out their warped frustrations on others. It’s a sad day when Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens really ARE better role models than some parents.

I must’ve spent twenty minutes trying to compress Mark David Wright’s deeds into a concise headline. Perry White I am not. Mr. Wright was arrested by Australian police after staggering down the streets of his hometown clad in naught but his tightie-whities, toting a loaded shotgun.

Local authorities report that Mr. Wright left his home after a fight with his girlfriend and mother of his five year old son. Somewhat unclear on the best way to avoid incarceration, a drunk Wright told his girlfriend that due to a warrant for his arrest on a domestic violence charge, he was going to go to jail and lose his son. He then grabbed the shotgun, stripped down to his undies, and proceeded to parade through the streets of Darwin, thus insuring that he would go to jail and lose his son. Hey – why delay the inevitable? Carpe diem! And yes, Darwin is the town’s name. Isn’t it ironic? Dontcha think? Like rain on your wedding day. Or a black fly in your Chardonnay. Or…well, you get the point. Later, Mr. Wright paused to reflect on the turn his life had taken. “I realised I was walking down Trower Rd with a shotgun and it probably wasn’t a good look,” he said. Fair dinkum, mate. Fair dinkum indeed.

A while back, a good woman named Jeanne Caroline lost her son because someone else’s idiot father left a loaded gun in plain reach. Henderson, Nevada father Geoffrey Wellls has lost his son to gun violence as well – except, in this case, Wells is as much part of the problem as he is victim. Prosecutors are moving to file neglect charges after Wells’ son, Syber Wells, shot himself with a loaded gun that his father had failed to secure.

Let’s not heap all of our scorn on Wells, however. Save some of it for Family Court Judge Cheryl Moss, who heard testimony from his own kids during custody hearings with his ex that he left loaded guns laying around the house. Judge Moss took Wells’ word that he kept the guns locked away, the protestations of his 8- and 10-year-old notwithstanding, and awarded him joint physical custody of his younglings. Nice work, Judge. Fortunately, someone with more grey matter than Moss has now put the kids in full physical custody of his wife while the investigation continues.

Is it any wonder David Myers grew up so damaged? When he was born, his mother, Judith Myers, told his father and anyone else who would listen that his dark skin was jaundice. She never told anyone – not even David himself – the truth: that his father was really a black man with whom Myers (then Judith Hartmann) had an affair before she married Bill Myers.

The lies continued for decades. When David Myers saw video footage of police hosing down civil rights protestors in major cities, Judith Myers told him the police were just cooling them off. When the truth came out 26 years later, it sent David Meyers on a three-year quest for his own identity. The revelation has led to David being disowned by his family, as his family apparently can’t be bothered to admit their culpability in this lifelong deception. Nice, folks. Why don’t you kick him in the groin a few times while you’re at it? I don’t think he’s suffered enough.

On top of that, controversy still surrounds the circumstances of David’s conception. His biological father, Fermon Beckette, insists he had a consensual relationship with Hartmann/Myers. Judith Myers’ retort? “Any black who rapes a woman will say she asked for it.” To make matters worse, this piece of shit of a human being blames HER SON for making her MORE RACIST. “He has with his actions totally soured me on the black race.”

Sigh. What a lovely woman. I wonder on which ass cheek she sports her Confederate flag tattoo.

William and Rachel Blow (no relation to 80′s rap superstar Kurtis) came up with a novel solution to their teenage son’s rambunctious behavior. They chained him up. Fortunately, the boy’s sister reported this to local police, who freed him from his shackles, and gave the Blows some of their own medicine. Unfortunately, the parents were released on bail. Which, you know, really Blows. (Thanks, I’ll be here all week, two drink minimum and don’t forget to tip your waitress.)

No word on whether the two kids were removed from the home and placed with foster parents. I’ll leave you all with this…William E. Blow…Will E. Blow…heh.

Michigan, as it turns out, suffered very little damage from Hurricane Katrina. This came as a surprise to Kim Horn, who received a house, cash, and other goods after reporting to charities that she was a victim of Katrina. Turns out Ms. Horn and her 6 year old daughter moved to Mason, Michigan nine days before Katrina came ashore.

Now, maybe I’m insensitive to the sufferings of others, but having to run down to the 8-Mile Walmart and shell out a buck fifty for a new can of AquaNet because a breeze messed up your bouffant is not the same as having everything you know and love wiped off the face of the earth by a massive storm.

Seriously, Michigan prosecutors – don’t put this woman in jail. Put her on a plane, send her down to New Orleans, give her a mop, and tell her to get to cleanin’. The Superdome would be a good place for her to start.

When I sent out my Welcome message for our new writers last week, I didn’t know that I’d be bringing on a sixth person. But then LizBeth Finn-Arnold told me she wanted to pitch in. As big a fan as I am of her writing, there was no way I could say no. She’s been blogging since the weekend, and we hope she continues on for many a month to come. Welcome to the team, LizBeth!

On a separate note, thanks to the folks in the Delphi Forum The Isle of Whack (registration required) for pimping our blog. We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! Oh, no, wait – we ARE worthy. These people, on the other hand? SO not worthy.

I’ve been looking for the opportunity to apply the phrase “walking pile of amphibian shit” to someone; thanks, Michelle Stevenson, for stepping up! Stevenson was arrested for selling thousands of obscene photos of her three children to a kiddie porn website. Also nabbed was the site owner, Brian Cobb. Both face up to 10 years in prison.

The kids have been placed in the care of the Alabama Department of Human Resources, which seems like a really strange name for their Child Protective Services, unless Alabama has some really fucked up child labor laws, which is quite possible considering that, hey, it’s Alabama. I don’t know how Ms. Stevenson will fare in prison, but Mr. Cobb, if you’re reading this…the inmates LUUUUURVE them some child molesters. Literally. If you get my drift.

Expect to see Daniel Herbert and his son Josh on the short list for this year’s Darwin Awards. Daniel, you see, is of the opinion that having a 450-pound black bear as a housepet is a good idea. But wait! It gets better! Daniel also thinks that his ursine buddy is an excellent sparing partner for his son, a high school wrestler. Not to worry, folks – the bear has been de-clawed, and if things get too rough “knows when to stop”.

De-clawed? Yes. De-fanged? Nope. I’m adding “pet+bear+mauls+dumbass+family” to my daily Google searches. To paraphrase another well-known bear – the ranger’s not going to be happy, Yogi.