Utah Parents Charged with Murder for Co-Sleeping with their Infant
In West Jordan, Utah, Trevor Collet Merrill and Echo J. Nielsen, both 24, are charged with third-degree felony child-abuse homicide and class B misdemeanor reckless endangerment in the death of their three-month-old son Kayson Bradley Merrill.
The couple went to bed with the baby and awoke to find he was dead. The medical examiner testified that he believe Kayson died because during the night he was rolled onto his stomach, which obstructed his ability to breathe. It’s called “positional asphyxia” and it’s preventable if the child sleeps alone, on his back, in a crib.
This isn’t the first time this couple had a child die. In 2003, their first child, Janessa Merrill, also died while co-sleeping with her parents. She was only 24 days old, and her death was ruled accidental. This time around, Trevor and Echo were charged because prosecutors felt they should have been aware of the dangers of co-sleeping with infants.
The parents’ attorneys are claiming that Kayson died from chronic meningitis. However, the family’s pediatrician saw Kayson the day before he died and said he was healthy.
I’m not sure whether to feel sad for these folks or be outraged at how stupid they are. This is sure to get a lot of attention from the Attachment Parenting people.
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March 1st, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I don’t see anything wrong with co-sleeping. If your body knows when it’s too close to the edge of the bed, it knows if there’s something–or someone–there.
My son’s first night home from the hospital…poor little guy kept crying (only three days old) and when my husband and I took him to bed with us, he calmed down and went to sleep. I just made sure that any blankets and pillows were out of reach.
My mother says that when I was a baby she put me face-down. I’m still here 35 years later. Back then they’d heard that face-down helped prevent SIDS.
I think something fishy is going on though.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Wendy,
Thanks for the link. My daughter never slept away from me as a baby. I figured it would be cruel to leave her completely alone after she’d been so completely together with me. Would be scary for her. What I didn’t plan for was seeding her eventual solitude and pressuring her out of the bed. I confused fear and discomfort.
I always hated that “let’r cry” attitude. After all, she was communicating a need. What I didn’t realize was that I could meet her need partially, supportively, so she had to learn to meet her own needs.
Parenting is just so damn subtle and complicated. Even for infants who have fairly basic needs. I think of how thoughtful and intentional I was as a parent. I think of how even with my intense attention to the matter, reading and being responsive, I missed something as small as her need to learn to deal with being unhappy, dissastisfied, alone, not having her needs met by someone else right away. Now she’s grown I see those things manifest in her, things she now has to untangle and work through.
It’s such an innocent small mistake. Then I think about the parents who are more limited, too young or have mental or intellectual limitations, addictions, who were misguided and had bad models and think parenting is like caring for a puppy, who live in cultures that scorn the subtlety of the psychology therefore never reach out when parenting is beyond them.
As society becomes more and more electronically connected and less humanly connected, when families needn’t live in the same state, when the woes of poor communities are compounded over generations, it gets harder and harder to parent. When was there a time when a mother didn’t have someone else to hold her baby for a few hours/week? Young women go weeks on end with no hope, no help, no education, not even the simple dignity of showering freely and maybe going for a walk alone.
Then there are affluent and middle class parents who are doing unhealthy things in the name of indulgence, empowering their kids in such a way that the child is not accountable, teaching dog-eat-dog as a noble trait, removing and setting them above the common flow of human life. I have never seen so many entitled parents who always put responsibility on others and not their child, teaching their children they are above expectations. These people don’t usually tussle with the real destroyers, drugs, crime, mundane violence, hopelessness, but in their disconnection they are making children who lack the ability to be part of an interconnected community, kids who don’t have concepts of virtue other than winning, dominating and getting yours.
Sigh…here we conflict over the minutia of the best sleeping position and the vagaries of nudging separation while elsewhere some come up with the bright idea of tying a baby to a potty chair with shoelaces and “helping” baby sleep with booze or giving a single parent girl a male connection by letting her stay with a nudist acquaintance. There are tons of people who know not to do those things. Why are some of us not connected to those ignorant or incapable parents?
March 7th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I tried to, am trying to, organize a non-agency (more like freecycle.org before it incorporated) network for experienced moms to assist new and/or struggling moms with basic help. Cooking, home ec, child hygiene, eye contact (!) bonding, etc that would home visit, do some housework and help mom as mom needs help– without crinkling noses, tsk-tsks and judgment.
It’s not for lack of volunteers Amy, I’m always met with enthusiasm and passion on the giving side– people want to give their time, money, extra items, a few have offered up offices and rental homes or property– but we have a heck of a time finding convincing people to accept help.
They are convinced that we’re going to call in a social worker to remove the children for whatever reason, they are afraid that accepting help will cut off their medical benefits or foodstamps. There are language barriers. There are pride and independence issues. There are mental health issues. They feel stupid or embarrassed.
These aren’t bad or negligent people or even those in the depths of poverty or drug addiction– but unless they learn critical thinking and coping skills they are very likely going to hurt their children or themselves.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Wow, that’s awesome. You have some sort of mini-curric/guidelines for volunteers? How would you screen creeps?
Maybe if you target teens? Something like: you babysat for other moms, now let other moms babysit for you. Or how about adopt a grandma?
Thinking about what scares them. Yeh, worry about authorities, sharing their inadequacies with a stranger. How about initial meetings someplace public, a park or mall? Ask a public library, church or school if you can use a room. I always thought a church would feel safe for that sort of rendezvous. Maybe even start it with a church to lend credibility. Start in very small amounts of time. Heck, let her walk home, shower, and come back. I would have thought that was extraordinary. Of course, safety issues too, that’s why a church might be good. Teachers who visit homes in inner city neighborhoods get robbed and assaulted at an unprecedented rate. I would have never left my baby with a stranger just because I saw some grandma services flyer.
Hmm….. really excellent idea. Wonder how to address the sticking points.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
And you might get with a teen mom high school program, have them hook you and your moms up.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Great ideas. I try to encourage people not to offer babysitting because it’s just fraught with issues, but to do things that encourage bonding, take stresses off the parents and kids, and model skills instead of preach. Help with filling out forms, making and keeping appointments, and basic childcare are the main concerns at first.
Then more complex things; like laughing instead of responding angrily when a toddler plays with his food, or showing that folding laundry and playing with baby are not mutually exclusive activities, or involving older kids in housework without using guilt or anger. Setting up flexible routines for the meals and children.
What amazes me is how quickly people take to the involvement. Sometimes moms just have the blues and need another mom to tell them that the occasional desire to jump out the window is normal. Sometimes there are home repairs to be done (I replaced a door and insulated windows– I think we all felt empowered by that experience) Other times, they just want someone to hold the baby so *they* can do the dishes or take a shower or work on a painting and not feel like the devil.
I thought it would take years and years to see any lasting improvements but when you walk in the door and the home is clean, the little one has gained weight, the big one is reading a book, 4 of the 5 large dogs have found new homes it and mom no longer looks like she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown– it starts sinking in that giving people attention works.
I don’t really even have a name for it, let alone guidelines– we usually just call it the project or the non-agency. Ideally I’d want to set up a central non-profit and website with satellite local sites that are autonomous and let volunteers and people needing them pick each other based on their needs and comfort levels. I need a better word than “client” to describe people accepting help.
April 26th, 2009 at 5:33 am
I cannot believe what I am seeing! I have five children…between the oldest and the youngest there is ten years difference. When I gave birth to my oldest daughter..the advice that was given to me was NEVER LET YOUR BABY SLEEP ON THEIR BACK! I was told..and have seen for myself hundreds of times, that babies have reflex that let them lift their heads while on their tummies, even as newborns. I was told that once the baby was old enough to roll over there was no difference in safety between back and tummy sleeping. When third child was born..they advocated only allowing a baby to sleep on their SIDE..because it was the safest way for a baby to sleep…they even marketed devices for it..like foam tubes covered in cloth that you tucked behind the baby. When my youngest children were born they said only back sleeping was acceptable. GIVE ME A BREAK! In the span of ten years authorities have done a complete 180 degree turn on their recommendations. I co slept with my children when they were infants..and only had ONE child who co slept with me longer than a year or so. Human beings have been sleeping together for centuries..and its the least disruptive way to nurse a baby in the night. I always knew where my baby was when i was sleeping and even woke up if i sensed that they may have kicked off their own blankets. Charging parents with murder for co-sleeping is like charging parents for abandonment for leaving a child with a sitter. I understand that two SIDS deaths seem suspicious..but as was stated before..SIDS deaths have a tendency to run in families and they are looking for a genetic component. I long ago stopped taking “authorities” findings as Gospel truth..and just learned to adjust based on the needs of that particular child.
April 26th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
wendy…i know exazctly what you mean!!!! i have 14 children…7 bio and 7 adopted. i always brest fed…always held and comforted on demand…and always co-slept with my bio children. then when i started fostering, i found everything had changed. the way they had to be placed on their backs to sleep; the appropriate time to offer a little cereal; even the offering water….my pediatrician always encouraged extra water between feedings…for reasons that all made sense…to keep the kidneys functioning properly; keep the baby regular; cleanse the palate…now???? they told me no water while they’re infants…that there’s enough water in the formula and too much water can cause swelling of the brain and seizures?????? dear Lord…i’m amazed all my others survived!!!! i sometimes think they’re taking things too far as to what neglect is….and i wish they’d come up with a way to care for babies and stick to it!!!!
July 11th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
My son co-slept with me until he was 3 years old. He was born early, and very prone to reflux, so it was a safety issue. His head had to be kept propped up for him to be safe. You can’t really do that safely if they are in a crib. He slept with his head propped on my arm. Of course, he was also breast-fed, so we both got a lot more sleep this way. But the bottom line is that by the age of 4 he was able to go to sleep on his own and sleep all night long. At 13 the biggest problem we have is that he wants to stay up later because he’s a teenager. But he has no problems on camping trips, or any other outing, going to sleep and staying asleep. If I had it to do over again, I would do the same thing.