Ask the readers: Breeder commandeered child with no custody agreement in place

We have another request for advice and assistance from on of our readers. This time about a Breeder who has allegedly taken it upon herself to make her own custody agreement where none existed before.

i have a very good friend who has a 4-year-old son with his ex-girlfriend. For a long while, they have been separated, but recently she moved in with he and his brother with her 1-year-old daughter from another relationship. My friend has seen things however since her moving in that he doesn’t like.

First, she neglects both children while playing Farmville all day on Facebook. When she does give the two children attention it is only to yell at them. She yells and calls her one year old names when she cries. Her actions have never been physical though. She has never hit them or left marks from what he has observed both co-inhabiting and also when living separately.

last week, (Trench’s note–I was backed up with posts so it’s my fault it has taken this long to get posted) she took their son away from my friend against the 4-year-old’s will. While doing so she tried to run my friend over while leaving, and took off to God knows where. My friend called the police and they told him they couldn’t do anything even though she is driving without a license or insurance. They also cannot do anything because there is no custody agreement between the two of them at all. It had been working out for a while, but in the last two years she has been leaving their son with my friend for longer than was planned, or when it is her time to have him for a week or more, she asks my friend to take him, and then leaves him there until it’s my friend’s turn to have him. It went from being 50/50 to 95/5 in a matter of about 9 months since they made the agreement.

The father of her 1-year-old daughter wants custody as well, but they are unsure of where to start or what to do now. The police won’t help, and my friend has a past history of drug use and a suicide attempt, but that was 8 or 9 years ago, and he is clean and sober now. Always has been. He’s afraid of his past coming to bite him in the ass if he goes after her for anything, and he’s also afraid of a judge not awarding him custody even though the egg donor is not a fit mother. Please, any help that can be given or advice would be appreciated. He is so lost, as is the other father. We all want to see him get the custody they deserve because they actually act and do things like parents. They’d rather have her only get supervised visitations. If it helps, we all live in the state of Michigan. Thanks.

After I asked for permission to post the e-mail I received more information about the situation. This e-mail was from this past Saturday.

Also, I’d like to add, she recently struck the 4 year old across the face so hard he landed on his butt. Cops were called, and they said a report wouldn’t be made since no mark was left. They didn’t even advise my friend to call CPS. I hate the system.

Again we are not legal experts, advice is taken at your own risk, your mileage may vary etc.

I know we have some Michiganders here that hopefully can help. But you don’t have to be from Michigan if you think you can offer some advice.

Category: Ask BB | Tags: ,
  • Digchild

    That worthless excuse for a mother should be put away in jail for a long time.I don’t think parenting classes will be effective for her,anyway.The friend will then get custody of his son and the other guy will get custody of his daughter.

  • Corey

    First this is a custody issue.  If you have signed the Affidavit of Parentage and it is recorded in Lansing-congratulations-you are the legal father.  Now go to your county’s Friend of the Court and sign up to pay child support.  Once you are issued a case number you can then motion the court.  Usually people do this with a lawyer.  In Michigan the mother who was not married to the father of the child has initial physical custody of the child-you need to motion the court to change custody, visitation, etc.
    Child Custody in Michigan, Initial Determination: self help information: Bar of Michigan Lawyer Referral: Legal Aid Organization: has improved their website and give details on abuse and neglect and how CPS conducts their investigations:,4562,7-124-5452_7119—,00.htmlAlso many counties in Michigan have websites and may have information you can access (Genesee, Oakland etc).You cannot document enough-write dates, times and events in a journal.  Save and print out text messages and emails.  If the child ends up with any injuries take them immediately to the nearest Emergency Room-doctors are mandated reporters and in Michigan they must report child abuse/neglect and they can document the abuse.   With regards to child abuse and neglect-you can always call it in and create a paper trail.  Be sure to review what is considered child abuse and neglect in Michigan.   It is usually difficult for men to get custody of very young children so read up and prepare as much as possible.  Be persistent but not rude.  You are fighting an uphill battle but men do win custody.

    • Susan Moore

      They sure do! My husband’s step-dad (my FIL obviously) filed for custody and won. It also helped that his daughter’s maternal grandfather fought on his side to gain custody. I also have a cousin who back in the early ’90s fought for custody of his two daughters and got awarded custody in Michigan. It’s not impossible so long as things are done right.

  • Ally


  • Ally

    Just something worth noting, if you are going to write everything down, by yourself a bound notebook with numbered pages. This shows to your lawyer and your judge that your notes are accurate and nothing has been removed or added in, and they love it because its good evidence. Thats a tip my boss gave me.

  • Clevo

    If they have proof of paternity then they need to hire an attorney and file for sole custody listing emotional, psychological and physical abuse as reasons. In Wisconsin this would be placement as custody refers to legal decisions etc. I don’t know about Michigan. My best friend is a counselor (Master’s degree) ans she counsels a lot of folks with these issues. She stated that she has NEVER seen a guardian ad lietum or a judge act in the best interest of a child. They are interested in maintaining the status quo, equal joint placement…anything easy that requires no research, ethics, morals or thought.

  • MomInAva

    I’m in Missouri, but I hope I can help anyway. Calling DFS/CPS is generally pointless during a custody dispute. As soon as they talk to Mom, she will tell them that y’all are fighting about custody and they will find the case unsubstantiated. (Even if the police search Mom’s home and find meth under the children’s beds…. I speak from personal experience.) Your Hubby needs to get an attorney… YESTERDAY! As soon as he has an attorney, file for custody, visitation, and child support. Also file a motion requesting that a Guardian Ad Litem be appointed for the children. The GAL will be the one who speaks to the judge about what is in the best interests of the children. One thing I cannot stress enough is to always have a notebook. Document absolutely everything. I don’t care how mundane or pointless you think something may be, if it has to do with the kids, document it. Trying to prove Mom unfit is an extremely difficult thing to do (2 kids born at 24 & 26 weeks addicted to meth, meth found under their beds, oldest telling police how to shoot up and how to smoke out of a meth pipe still didn’t convince a judge Mom was unfit, although she did get some good prison time out of it). If the kids are over 2 1/2 years old, neither parent can fight paternity, unless Dad is not listed on the birth certificate, then he can file for paternity and do a DNA test. Hopefully I gave you at least a little information you can use. Good Luck!

    • April

      We have awesome readers. Just saying.

  • Breanna Perkins

    My husband is going through a custody battle right now. Don’t bother trying to prove her unfit unless there is clear evidence, it doesn’t work and its a waste of time–as frustrating as it is. Instead focus on proving where she is alienating the child from the father, along with establishing a pattern of how he is the better/more stable parent. You need proof. Emails where he asks to see the child and she denies him access. The judge in my husbands case awarded him temporary physical custody for that reason alone, after she emailed him refusing access to the child unless her demands were met. Parental Alienation is a huge deal to judges these days. Play nice. Never argue.  If your state permits it, record phone conversations. Facebook statuses or updates, pics of partying (if shes a club mom like in my husbands case).. If he can, hire an attorney NOW. A lot of good attorneys will work out payment plans. Its a lot of detective work, proving your case etc. If hes not willing to commit 100% then the chances as a father getting custody of the child is slim to none.

  • AnonYmous

    Don’t bother with CPS.  They can’t arrange custody between parents.   They can take custody of the child for the STATE or leave it with parents.  They don’t pick which parent.
    If the abuse is just what you have written, chances are it isn’t enough for police either.  I am not saying that it isn’t awful but police need physical evidence.  Not just physical evidence of abuse but actual evidence that it is her and not a boyfriend, neighbor, grandparent.  Grrr  This is where a lot of problems helping kids actual comes in.  Who did it is hard to prove.
    Have him try to record a discussion with her about how she treats the kids.  Maybe she will admit it.
    He is going to have to go to court and I know it is crazy expensive.  Lawyer fees, homestudies, filing fees.  That is his only legal way to do it unless she agrees to let him have them more.

  • Brantpaula72

    I would make a call to cpsI am a grudian ad lietum and the children would have some one like me to speak in the childrens best intrest

  • Mercedes G

    In my experience getting custody from the mother when there’s never been a legal custody plan in place can be pretty tricky.  First they’re going to have to prove that she’s not fit to have the kids and then she will probably try the “you’re not the dad” trick on them which could mean costly paternity tests and then finally the whole thing will have to go to court.  I know that some areas have mediators for this type of situation that help settle things but it sounds like they want more than the traditional 50/50 and the mom doesn’t which will likely mean court.

  • Anonymous

    Isn’t he allowing the behavior much in the same way a lot of the “mothers” on here allow their children to be beaten by boyfriends and new husbands? 
    And in one paragraph it was stated “her actions have never been physical”, but then later stated she “struck the 4 year old across the face so hard he landed on his butt.”
    And now that she’s left with the child/ren he wants to seek custody of his own child? 
    Hmmm… something doesn’t sound right to me.

    • TJMoore1984

      He’s not allowing the behaviour. This just started a couple of weeks ago. She hadn’t gotten physical with the child until after the first e-mail was sent. She did return with the children eventually. My friends brother is who allowed her to move in a couple of weeks ago. While he is at work, he takes his son to his parents because that is the way it has always been. There was also never a custody agreement in place when they split. They agreed on doing a week with one and then a week with the other until he starts school. It was working out OK until she started not bringing him over on time, wouldn’t take him for her week, or would bring him over early and not come get him for long periods of time. My friend didn’t mind having him for the majority of the time, but what he did mind is her not spending time with their son. He’s seeking custody now because afte having lived with her again he has seen what she is really like. This little boy will tell her he doesn’t lover her, he hates her, and doesn’t want her to hug him. My friend has tried utilizing the police and they will not do anything. CPS doesn’t do shit either. He has contacted a lawyer however, and has been advised to file for custody once things “cool down.” I didn’t agree witht hat advic, but I’m not a lawyer.

  • Gbrosmom

    Since you said they live together, I would suggest setting up a “Nanny Cam”. This would show her neglecting the children, cursing at them, etc.

  • Susan Moore

    I would repeat exactly what has been said already, but that would be redundant. What has been suggested already is what should be done. Also, document the incidents that happen. Their are already two police calls that have been made. There may still be some documentation there that you can use for your court dates. Some counties work it as, the first to file for custody, gets sole custody until a judgement has been entered. So, if anything like this were to happen again your friend would have more cooperation with the police in matters of her leaving with the child against his will and yours etc. Good luck. You’re in my thoughts.

  • Beanie

    You go directly to Family court and ask to speak to someone there.  You file a petition for custody and you will be given a court date.  You will have to fill out many papers and have proof of a job, home, whatever… It could be a long process but get it started immediately…

  • Kellygirls129

    My first thought is to call DHS – that is what it is called in MI and report the abuse and neglect.  Second is to find an attorney that will work pro bono to help