As always I do have to preface this by saying that Bad Breeders is not responsible for any resulting actions and any advice taken is at your own risk.
Here is the e-mail from M.
Dear BB Readers,
I´d like to share our story with you, hoping for advice, as I don´t know what to do any more! At the moment it feels like whatever I´m gonna do, it´ll be wrong.
We live in Germany, where I think that offenders have more rights and protection than the victims. Because of the laws I am not allowed to tell any full names or post pictures, apart from that, criminal proceedings (trial) have not started yet, we might wait a year or more.
As I could by now write a book, I´ll try to only write the most important things – feel free to ask in the comments, if you want to know more.
My personal nightmare began the first weekend in August…..
I had been separated from my little 3 year old sons father since pregnancy for good reasons – but until then had let my son H. stay at his fathers place every other weekend. Up to then, I had thought it to be very important for H. to have his dad K. in his life and I had the impression that K. loved his son and only hated me…. For my son´s welfare I even invited K. and his family for christmas, H.`s birthday and so on.
Sometimes I had a “strange” feeling, as H. often didn´t want to go to his dad´s place and complained about a stomach ache before and after.
As he never said anything more when I asked and his dad always said they had a great time, I considered it to be the change between two towns and households. I was SO WRONG as it has turned out.
I feel terrible about not noticing earlier, on the other hand noone would have believed me earlier on…
Back to the first weekend in August: K. picked H. up at the Kindergarten Friday afternoon and brought him back to my house on Sunday evening.
Usually, K. would bring H. inside and tell me what they had done during the weekend. This time, he just dropped H.s bag on a garden chair on my porch and called “I´m gone” – left immediately. H. came towards me crying badly and I embraced him and picked him up, asking him what happened.
“Daddy is bad” he said.
“What do you mean”, I asked, “why is he bad?”
“He hit me” my little boy replied sobbing…..
H. had greenish marks on his forehead, a read eye, abrasions on his cheek, a blue mark on his nose….
I was totally shocked, I can´t even describe what I felt!
He smelled badly, so I undressed him. He had dried feces on his bottom and down his legs….many more greenish marks and a strange red mark to his stomach. Before giving him a bath, I quickly took pictures with my cell phone. My camera was upstairs and not charged, so of course I didn´t leave my son to wait. Later, I was going to be told the cellphone pictures are not good enough (quality)…….
After the bath, I called K. to ask him what happened – still hoping for honest answers.
Me: “What happened to H., he´s bruised all over?”
Me: “Well, something must have happened, he´s bruised!”
K.: “He´s got no bruises, you can tell that shit to somebody else” He hung up…..
After that, I was sure something bad had happened. I was so shocked and staggered! How could one hurt a little child, a toddler????
H. has never ever gotten slapped in my home, I´m totally against any kind of physical punishment. Up to then, I thought K. shared my opinion.
I took H. to the doctors, the poor little guy had to undergo CT/exray (brain, eyes, intestines) under general anasthetic. Luckily, there were no internal bleedings. H. told the doctors that his dad had hit him so hard, he fell to the ground and against a wall!!!!
Doctors said the bruises are “suspicios” but it can´t be definitely said that it was abuse. The location of the bruises (abrasions and haemoraghes) says, there must have been several accidents, if there were accidents (both sides front and back of body).
But it was to become worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!! H. started telling me about dad “pinching his penis”, “putting a tube inside his penis” “peeing on him” and tellling about dad “doing this” showing a masturbating movement. I feel so terrible and sick about this, how would a 3-year old come to telling this? I totally believe him! To me, there is no reasonable other explanation to these statements than my little boy going through hell at his fathers where I believed him to be loved and safe!!!!!
Imagine this – I stayed single all the time, not wanting a stranger around my little son…..and then I find out, that his own father has harmed him terribly!
Since that weekend (up to now) my son has big behaviour problems:
– Needs diapers again (he didn´t need them any more before….)
– Refuses to use the toilet, doesn´t even sit on it any more (panic)
– Doesn´t sleep in his bed, stays with me all night, has bad nightmares, is afraid “of dad” and that he would come and take him to his place, awakens several times a night
– Eats very little
– Is afraid of crowds and strange buildings (like restaurants and stuff)
– Often has stomach ache
– Doesn´t take part in Kindergarten – activities and rules
– Suddenly hits and kicks our dogs (he never did that, the dogs love him and he loved them!)
– Tells me every day, that he feels sad, is actually depressed!
After that, I contacted child welfare services myself and went to the police to have K. charged. The questioning at the police later filled 100 typed pages, so you can guess I´m cutting it short here….
Apart from that, I applied for full costody at the family court.
So, by now there is family court trial going on and I´m waiting for criminal proceedings trial. I´ve got two specialized lawyers, luckily I´ve got a good job to pay all of that!
If you google “German Jugendamt” you will find out, that they either do nothing at all (to help children) or in other cases overreact and take children into foster care because of rumours…..it´s a nightmare.
Well, as you can guess, in my case they did nothing. I called there every day to ask for help, as H.s father demanded to pick him up again and it would have been his right by law! (He could have fetched him with police)
I got a restraining order with my lawyer, child welfare didn´t help me.
Unfortunately, K. knows all the Jugendamt-people due to his job, he works with kids in foster care and in institutions………bad luck, they seem to believe him! I hope the police will investigate if anything went strange with his contact to those children…..
At least police started investigating, I know that by now some people have been questioned and there was a house search at K.s place. Let´s see, what results there will be….
There was one Family-Court session allready, it was terrible:
– K. and his lawyer first stated that I hurt H, not K. But as H. was picked up from Kindergarten and they stated they had turned a perfectly healthy child to K., they had to change their statements….
– Next, they wanted to see the pictures and the lawyer stated he could see nothing but mosquito-bites on the pics. I don´t know what huge mosquitos live in his place, I´ve never seen such….. I was close to offering him a wipe for his glasses…..really fought to stay calm!
– The next thing was, that they tried to make me look insane – they stated that I´ve got Borderline, Narcisstic personality disorder and bipolar disorder! And they said that I must have told H. to believe his father has harmed him!
Of course I´m totally sane and healthy, so I said they could question my doctors and that I´ve never had such diagnosis. The only thing I ever had was burnout many years ago during master-exam at university while having to work 30 hours a week! No more, no less.
Still, court decided to decide custody later on (next year) and first give supervised visits at the Jugendamt for K.!!!! My poor little boy has to see his father there every other week for an hour. During the visit he seems quite “normal” but after that in the evening he really freaks out and doesn´t sleep all night due to panic and fear. Maybe he doesn´t dare to say anything in front of his father? It´s terrible!!!!
Apart from that, court has ordered there has to be consultancy/ psychological expert report done. Guess who has been questioned by now????
Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to go to this psychologist already and was questioned 3 hours, 3 more are to come on wednesday. Later the psychologist will talk to K. too and come and visit H., after that there will be a videotaped questioning of my son.
I´m not allowed to get psychological help for H. (which I think he badly needs) as it is said to falsen his later questioning.
The Jugendamt-lady, which I called to tell her my concerns about the supervised visits (due to H.s reactions afterwards) said it could be because he then realizes he misses his father. Yeah, sure…..
At the time being, noone cares about my little boy, noone helps him and I fight and fight but don´t see any success.
Instead, I now have to prove my sanity and that I haven´t made H. make the accusations up. It´s so terrible!
If I don´t get them to believe us H. will have to stay the weekends at his fathers again! They can pressure me, as if I refuse they can withdraw custody from me or even send me to prison for wanting to protect my baby!!! But of course, the offender is free to do what he wants.
Even if trial will end in sentence, K. is likely to stay free as he has no previous convictions. Crazy world, huh?
My feeling is, that whatever I do, it´s wrong!
If I fight and struggle, I´m crazy…..
If I force myself to stay calm they will say that it´s all made up and I´m not emotionally involved
If I seek psychological help for H. it will be a mistrial and I´ll have to turn my little precious boy to his father again.
If I do as I´m told and wait, H. will continue to suffer……I can hardly bear that!
I feel that I´m at the time punished for protecting and taking care of my child!
Which judge cares about H.s feelings? Why does noone take a little kid serious?
I have the fear that in the end I will be imprisoned for not turning over H. to his father. Whatever court will decide, I can NOT possibly send H. to his father again! That would be betrayal and child abuse to me!!! As explained, if court decides this I will have to or end up in jail!
I´m so desperate, I can´t even find words to tell you how I feel and how much I suffer watching my child suffer and fall apart!
I give him all the love, attention and support one possibly can – but when he wants me to promise him that he´ll never have to visit his father any more I have to lie to him or frighten him. What is worse?
What would you do?
Or am I crazy to believe a three year old? He only has me to protect him, why do people react as if this where wrong!?
I´ve never understood why some mothers sit by and do nothing to help their kids…..I am a strong and independant person (don´t need help making a living) and still this takes more strength than anything I have ever experienced! A friend of mine said that she could imagine many women give up after calling child support 20 times and not getting any help but rude comments….. So by now, I think it´s part of the problem – not getting help quickly but feeling all alone and treated worse than the offender!
I hope you were able to understand my english – I´m not very concentrated as I haven´t slept much for months by now, take care of my desperate child full term (no “free” time at home) and work a lot, to get the bills payed…… As soon as my little guy is around I try to give him a good time and not let him see how sad and desperate I am – it would worry him even more. It´s hard to get myself into a cheerful, optimistic mood for him when I actually often feel like crying. But I manage. To me, it´s the most important thing to help H. get over his bad experiences and give him joy – for my baby I would do anything – even if it´s going through hell. If I could take all his pain from him, I would immediately do so. I´m ready to fight on, no matter how hard it´s gonna be.
I´m glad to have great friends and family who support me – still they have no advice any more and are shocked themselfes.
If anyone out there has ideas what to do at the moment – I´m greatful for any advice or encouragement!
I wish I lived in the US, at least K. would have been charged by now or am I wrong?
Little H. and I are going to meet friends at the indoor-playground today, I hope it´ll turn out well and H. will have a great time playing. It´s unpredictable – maybe he will have a great time playing with his little friends – maybe he will suddenly be scared to death out of nothing explainable and we have to drive home. We´ll see. Whish us luck…. Staying at home from the start is no option, as he is worried all the time, that his father could suddenly arrive to pick him up….
Considering the guy called H.s father, I´ll spare you the details about what I´d like to happen to him…..it´ll end up swearing and cursing….I guess you all can imagine what I feel about this bastard.
Greetings from Germany, M.