Bad Breeders

Parenting so bad, it's criminal

Ask BB: Should I sign over guardianship?

We recently received the following e-mail from a reader on what would be the best step for her child.

I know this site is a blog site, I started reading the site when I found it bored one day and reading a few horror stories about children in dryers and stumbled onto this site. Stories here absolutely horrified me and when I found out I was pregnant I had vowed to be an excellent mother.

I am a cycle breaker my father was an abuser verbally saying and calling me everything in the abuser’s handbook, physical my memory I remember the most was when I was two I was strangled and lived, and sexually assaulted by not only my father but by a close friend of the family. My mother the neglectful worker, left me in the care of people who had questionable motives and still talks to my father to this day. Growing up moving from house to house and a few times to different states only to return to my home state doesn’t make a very stable life for a growing child. Just trying to get by. From state assistance to almost begging off the side of the street to finally landing in my grandparents home where I grew up.

I never did any drugs, I only drank at my rite of passage as a new 21 year old, and yada. My biggest mistake not graduating high school it is held against me. I am now struggling at the end to not give in to my boyfriend’s parent’s demands and sign guardianship over to them a temporary thing till I can get key binding things in life to support. I don’t want to do it but as best interests go for my son this temporary offer may be a forced thing against my wishes. I’m not a bad breeder, I swear I’d turn myself into this site and let myself be a permanent disgrace. I make sure my son is clean, fed, and happy I don’t have great financial support but I make sure he’s cared for. The only reason I can’t take him with me is threats of CPS called the moment I take him with me to another place that has questionable means but any move isn’t grand. I’m literally hours away from signing anything and I’m hoping that there is a chance someone has any information for me.

My baby’s father is really a great guy nothing like what we read here. He is in his life and helped amazingly after the birth. I had the options before he was really considered to be kept to abort but I chose to keep him I am pro-life and proud of it. I had the option to give him up for adoption… the moment my son was born I chose to keep him… even after having lots of scares he would’ve been premature or small for date he came out beautiful at 7 pounds 12 ounces. He was a good induced labor, induced at 10:30 am on March 27th 2011 was born 3:49pm. Almost parallel to my own birth time which was 3:43pm.

But I know this site has some things on young mothers specially struggling to support their child ones. but I am honestly trying to do my best for my child. I’ve broken my own abused cycle to ensure he will have a great life the moment he was conceived and I found out I know it is never about me anymore everything I do is for my son.

I really hope I can get help somehow and be able to keep my son. The only reason I can’t take him with me is my bf’s parents dislike my own mother. but it is his parents that are evicting me out and now trying to keep my son… in what I feel is unfair intent. I have a great support net my mom is willing to provide and I have this feeling now that my rights as a mother are being trampled under the “what is best for the child” saying.

I have the means to care for my son, I even have a job lined up… what can I do to protect myself in short time?

Any thought Breeder Readers?

As always Bad Breeders takes no responsibility for any actions resulting in following or not following the commenters’ advice.

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Updated: April 2, 2012 — 8:57 pm

36 Comments

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  1. To the writer of this letter. I feel for the terrible hardships you endured as a child and now the fear you have to live with every day to provide for your son. Letting a family member care for your child while you get on your feet might work for some but I have to question the grandparents motives. They want to put you out but keep the baby? If you were a crazy drug addict that would make sense but since you say that isn’t the case, it sounds like they want to get their hands on your child. I suggest that you call your local welfare offices and inquire about women’s shelters in your area. Let them know your are homeless with a small child and in dire straights. A woman’s shelter doesn’t sound ideal but really they can be helpful and in your situation they can be very beneficial.  They will give you a place to stay, food and everything you need for your son. They will help you with job training and placement. They will help you find your own apartment when you are ready and to get you established. Your boyfriend wont be able to come but if keeping custody of your son is top priority then I say do it. Even though things seem hopeless now, stay strong. For you and your son. You can do it.

  2. This sounds like extortion. If you sign your rights over to these people, they will, never, ever give them back to you.

  3. Take your baby, they are evicting you to get him. There is nothing they can do to take him. If they call CPS they will check it out then do nothing as long as he is taken care of. Don’t let them scare you. Keep your baby, mama and keep up the good job.

  4. Ignore the threats. Do not bend at all. They’ll use it against you. 
    I had my son at 18, turned 19 exactly two weeks later. You’d think it would be hard. I didn’t graduate, or have a job. I got a job. His dad turned into a junkie- so I left him. He was diagnosed with Autism, so I attend a million doctors appointments and meet with therapists and love him just the same if not more. (Today is Autism Awareness day, BTW) andddd when I lost my job I swallowed my pride and went on social assistance. But that didn’t happen until he was 3.  None of this FELT hard, despite how it sounds. I made sure he always had food, clothes, shelter, and I always felt great about it.Now he’s 5 and a half, we replaced the deadbeat dad with a good dad, we live in a big house, he’s in full time daycare, everyone who doubted me is extremely proud of me or embarrassed that they did. You roll with the punches, and as long as you make him a priority you can meet his basic needs you’ll always have time and chances to improve. 

  5. Honestly if you feel that there are ulterior motives do not sign over your child. As a cycle breaker myself I know that when it comes to significant others I have been blind (they haven’t hurt me or my kids just taken advantage financially)  but with others I can generally see when I am about to get screwed over. By signing over rights you are putting yourself in a bad situation. I have been a single parent of 2 special needs children and a toddler not receiving any assistance from the state or their fathers. It was hard, very hard but we made it. You can too. Just keep the faith.

  6. Simple in my opinion-if you do not trust the grandparents and their true intentions/motives, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.  It’s easy to sign him over, way, way harder to get him back.  There are so many options available for single Moms.  There are programs, job placements, assistance programs, etc. You can do it!!  Sounds to me like you are already doing a fabulous job with him already.  People think it only takes money to raise a child.  It does not.   I have very little of that.  What I do have though is so much love for my daughter my heart could literally burst, patience, kindness, enthusiasm, compassion, and joy to be her Mother.  What I am always lacking (more than money) is time.  There is NEVER enough time in the day to spend with her.  🙁  Don’t give up your baby.  You will regret it.  I guarantee it.  You will never say to yourself  “I’m glad I signed over guardianship” You are going to be beating yourself up every day for that and then regretting the time you missed out on.  Good Luck with everything.

    1.  My (ex now) fiance who was a CPS worker always said the same thing, in “all caps”…..NEVER, EVER, EVER NO MATTER WHAT SHOULD YOU SIGN ANYTHING AT ALL!!! His (ex) wife signed their daughter over to her batshit crazy parents and it took YEARS for HIM to get her back (he had not signed anything; she did without informing him shortly after they divorced). Luckily, this story had a happy ending as he got it taken care of, eventually…2.5 YEARS later. Luckily for her, she is a beautiful, super intelligent, delight of a child and did not end up psychologically/mentally messed up. I keep in touch with him at least 4 times a year and am always SO happy to hear how well she is doing (I loved her like my own…and my “actual own” little girl loved her like any baby sister does their own older sister–you know…annoying the crap out of her, etc). In my book, I think the best thing that could happen, did in this case. But, the sad fact is that this “happy ending” pretty much NEVER happens. This is really late in game to post, but I just found this blog a few months ago and am steadily reading everything here and this letter really hit home for me.

  7. They are holding CPS over you head but that does not mean CPS will investigate their claims. If they do they are looking to see your child is fed and clean. Just because you move to a place that isn’t great, does not mean they will take your child away. These people are trying to take advantage of you. If they really cared about the child they would let you both stay until you got on your feet. Try a women’s shelter as someone else said, because they have the resources that could help you find your own place faster. Good luck.

  8. Go to a woman’s shelter, don’t give them your baby!

  9. Please do not sign your child over to his grandparents.  Please keep looking for ways to gain control.  Check with churches. parenting programs. and social services in your area.  Do not let someone bully you into giving up your child.  Believe me I know how hard it is but it can be done.  There are programs out there. Let the parents know they can help you more by supporting you.  Like you I was determined to end the cycle of abuse.  I spent time in a mental hospital and in rehab.  I worked and went to school.  My children spent some time in foster care but I worked my butt off to prove that I could care for them.  I had to fight in courts and argue against others who said  I couldn’t do it.   Eventually I  raised three beautiful productive adults.  The struggle was worth it.  And the ten grandchildren are amazing!  Hang in there honey.  This old grandma is praying for you.

  10. Don’t let someone force you to sign your child away. If they truly care about what is best for him they will work with you without making you take that step. And once thse papers are signed its alot harder to get him back. Check with local programs through churches, etc. for assistance. And know you have alot of people here rooting and praying for you and your little man.

    PS: Please xcuse the italics have no clue how I did that and have no idea how to undo it 

  11. no…never.i did not graduate either,I came from a broken home, never was sexually abused but my mind was. Now I have 2 grown children who I raised on my own and have yet to experience teenage angst. I knew true love when I first saw each of them and that alone kept us strong. Dont let the fear of the unknown future scare you into that, itll be o.k. and dont ever sign any paper they give you/………..

  12. No one can force you to give up your child (even temporarily) without due process – which means a full court hearing.  So don’t do it.  If they want to help you, fine, but it needs to be on your terms, not theirs.  There is a LOT of support out there if you knwo where to look.   Start at DSS and then go to women’s resource groups or a women’s shelter.  The yWca has many resources and support groups. 
    In the meantime, I think you need to get some psychological counseling.  Though you are doing well in most ways, I hear a need for the development of some self-efficacy and assertiveness training.  Your child will do best if you are healthy, too.

  13. There are programs to help single mothers.  Hell, even if they were to call CPS doesn’t mean that your child would be taken from you and it sure as hell doesn’t mean your child will be given to them.  Let them know that just because they call in a report doesn’t mean they will get first dibs at your child.  Now then, I think a women’s shelter is a good idea as well as public housing, also referred to as Section 8 in some places.  Just because you move to an area of town that is not so nice does not make your child’s welfare any bigger of a concern.  There are many nice homes where children are abused and neglected, as there are many run down homes where the children are loved and properly cared for.  If CPS relied soley on where a person lived as a factor for good parent/bad parent, then almost all parents living in government housing would be childless, because most often times those apartments are what we refer to as the ghetto or projects.  Where you live has nothing to do with how you care for and raise your child.  Do not sign over your rights.  I made a mistake that I am still paying for when I left my 3 yr old son with his fathers family for a few weeks.  They went behind my back and got a lawyer and said I had abandoned him.  They got custody of him and till this day I only get to see him 2 or 3 times a year, and I have a bachelors degree, full time job and I am working on my counseling degree & licensure.  Keep your baby.  He is the most precious thing in this world.  I’m not sure what state you live in, but I know food stamps, WIC, monetary assistance (TANF/AFDC), Medicaid and government housing are nation wide.  In Texas, the Workforce can help you find a job, go back to school & earn a college degree or vocational certificate and assist with daycare.  I am pretty sure they have these things in other states, I just don’t know what they are called.  Also, I know that if CPS does become involved, if you are a good mother just struggling a little, they can help you with finding a home, obtaining food and assisting with daycare as well.  There are also churches that offer assistance to sttruggling single mothers.  There are so, so, so many programs and assistance available for single mothers trying to do good for their children, please don’t end up losing the best thing in your life because you are afraid.  Best of wishes and God bless you and your child for many years to come.

    1. Opps, sorry this turned out so long, but I really want you to be able to enjoy and cherish your baby!  Shit, if you can’t get any help where you are, email me and we can figure something out together!  beelori@yahoo.com  I am a case worker for the mental health center in Waco, Texas and even if I have to pick you and your baby up and bring you to Texas, I will!!  They have a wonderful mother & child shelter in Corpus Christi, Texas called Hope House.  They have a website as well, just google it.  I stayed there for about 9 months after an abusive relationship & they are wonderful!

      1. If your offer is serious, you are a very wonderful person 🙂

        1. YES!! If she has no other choice & wants to keep her baby we can figure something out!

      2. You’re amazing. I love our readers!

  14. Do not do this, they could just help you if that is what their intentions are but i feel that is not the fact and they will claim you abandoned him at some point please look for assistance elsewhere, i was in your shoes and his dad was in his life i worked three jobs and if he is the good dad u think he is he will help in any way he can, be careful they sound like they just want custody to me

  15. I’d like to hear the grandparents side. There are two sides to a story. The most important part of both stories is the child.

  16. You can make it, you will regret giving this child up if you do.
    There are programs that can help you.
    I have no family ( no help form grandma etc) and my sons father walked out on me when I was pregnant. It was tough but I did it and am still doing it.
    Sounds like they just want to get their hands on your child. They cannot have a baby taken away just because you are poor. file for support he cannot deny you and paternity testing is free with Job and family services.
    If I were you I wouldnt allow his family to get to close as of yet, and dont let them bully you into giving him up.
    I wish you well……………………………

  17. There are too many questions.  Maybe the grandparents are trying to help, if they are suggesting temporary custody so she can get herself together.  There is also the question of why they are evicting her, and why can’t the baby’s father step in and find a decent place for them to stay.  As of now it seems the only place she would take her son to live is with her own mother, who in her own words allowed her to be abused and was negletful. Plus who would watch the baby while she works or goes to school?  She should speak to someone, there are lots of programs that will help single mothers.  I raised my daugther on my own, it was a struggle, but I did it. 

  18. Oh, I really hope this young lady did not sign over her child.  Those people could very well claim she didn’t want her child and she abandoned him.  There is help out there, it’s not going to be easy but it can be done.  I really hope and pray she’s made the right decision…..

  19. Sounds like if you sign over your rights and they kick you out, you’ll never see your baby again. Do remember that the first five years are the most important and even if they say it’s only temporary, by the time you are finished fighting to get him back, he isn’t going to know you and he likely isn’t going to want to leave the”parents” he has come to know to be with you. It doesn’t seem like they want you in your son’s life, or they wouldn’t evict you. Being a single mom is tough, but totally doable. I’m proof of that! I wish you the best of luck!

  20. I have a few friends who signed over temporary custody to parents/family members. In 2 cases they were kicked out of the home within a week of signing the papers and in the others we were in college and when everyone graduated the parents/family wouldn’t give the kids back because they were the only “parents” the baby had ever known and the courts agreed. Hold onto that baby with everything you have. Quit fearing CPS. they won’t take that baby away – even if you are homeless, as long as you can show you are taking care of him and he is safe.
    Good luck.

  21. Keep the kid and don’t tell anyone what you are doing. Keep your mother closed to you in-laws because remember anything you can say they can hold against you. As long as you keep your son fed, clean and clothed there is nothing they can do against you. Being poor and being  neglectful are two very different things. You can get your GED in about 6 to 9 weeks for free, usually.

    Contact your local community colleges as well as your Welfare offices. I’m going by New Mexico ways, but your state may have ways that you can even go to college. Here they will give you grants where not only to pay for college but for things you’ll need to get there. (Down payments for cars and homes as well as computers and such.) Most states even provide daycare options for classes you can’t take online or during school hours. (Don’t go the grandparent route.)

    Another idea is looking for preschools that accept at risk children. Being poor, being a young parent, being a first child are just a few things puts him at risk for some delays and he may qualify for services. Not only will he get help, but it also look good on you if his father’s parents are bold enough to try and take you to court. It will show that you are a caring and thoughtful mom who worries about your child’s future.

    My problem with this situation is that the grandparents are more worried about the child support that the father would have to pay as much as their grandson’s way of life.

    Normally I hate Welfare, but if you are using it it better yourself and get off of it with in a few years or so… In my eyes THAT is what it was build for. I don’t care if you’re on it 10 years and come out with a master’s degree… As long as you’re not waisting your time while doing it. In the end you’re son will see what you have done and HE will be a better person for it.

    Another thing I have a question, without your son there full time… What’s to keep you off alcohol and drugs? He is your support system and your reasoning. You need him with you as much as he need to be with you… Remember that.

  22. I am somewhat unclear re: your circumstances.  You and your son and his father/our boyfriend do not live togther as a family, correct?  You and your son have been living with your boy friend’s parents, but now they are evicting  you (for unspecified reasons) and “demanding” that you give them legal legal guardianship of your son? Why?  Right or wrong, good or bad, Grandparents have no legal rights.  Unless they can pove that you are a dangerously unfit mother, you can take your son and go wherever you chose.  Given your childhood history, is your mother’s home a safe place for you and your son?  Where is your BF in all this?  There are  emergency and ongoing support services  (financial, legal, psychological) available  – go to the health and human services or health and social services department in your county and ask what resources you qualify for.  Good luck.

  23. Do not sign over your baby! You are the mother and as other have stated unless you are deemed unfit no judge in the world is going to take a baby away from his mother..there is nothing the grandparents can do tfhey have no legal right what so ever…do what you got to do for you and yours..i wish you the best..

  24. I had a crazy drug addict give me her toddler, and now is wanting him back. I am terrified the courts are going to give her unsupervised visitation. She can sound very sane when she wants to. I would want to hear the other side of this. However, if your story is true, don’t worry. The nut job drug addict in my case used heroin on the weekends when I had the kiddo and he was almost a full year behind developmentally at 2 and was eating pub mix off the floor instead of food and had diaper rashes so bad they bled and CPS wouldn’t get involved because she didn’t do drugs around him and was providing “minimal parenting”. If they won’t do anything to her, what could they possibly do to you?

  25. Thank you everyone for your advice. I won’t be giving guardianship over to the grandparents without pure and dire reason. I’ve got an interview tomorrow with the state for an orientation for their career path options to provide me schooling and a place for income. My son is everything to me and my bf is standing behind my decision to not give him over. I’m trying to see if I can get a pell grant and enroll in classes for home educations and try and pass my tests along with learning to drive.  My mother’s home is not a great place but it is my job to ensure the place stays clean wherever my son is at. My bf gets a work exemption for a year due to my son being so young. I am making a deal with the grandparents. If in the time I specify for keeping my son once I’m moved. That the house ends up in squaller and no one helps only then will I give guardianship to ensure he is in a great environment. Moving is hell as it is and messy. But I have a feeling things will go well. Thank you everyone.

    Sandra. The writer.

    1. You CAN do this!  You keep telling yourself that over and over, you cannot give up, it’s not an option.  Your son needs you period….  I will pray for you!!  You made the right decision!!

    2.  Sandra my mother went through a similar situation with her own mother. My mother left my grand mother’s abusive household when me and my sister were very young. She worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to support us and make sure we had a roof over our heads. My grand mother did everything possible to hurt my mom and try to take us away. She accused our mother of abusing us not keeping us clean and fed. My grand mother went as far as saying that my mother allowed a male friend to sexually assault us. None of the accusations were true and the courts threw my grand mothers case out.

      Sandra you sound like you want and are doing right by your child and that is all that matters. It is very good that your son’s father is their for support and to help. My father couldn’t care less about me and my sister he was only involved when the courts made him. It’s kinda funny because his lack of involvement I feel me and my sister are stronger women for that. So my dear it can be done there is hope and if you are determined you can do it. I wish you the best of luck so go out there and kick the world in the ass!

    3. I’m so excited for you. You have the whole world at your feet and have the chance to take it and show your son the best lessons in the world. I would like to offer one little bit of advice. That driving test… It’s all just logic. Take a deep breath and just use some common since and you have it in the bag. Eventually you’ll ask yourself why you didn’t do it sooner.

  26. You can also seek help with Catholic Charities, Norwescap, or battered women shelters. Even though you are not currently being abused, you would qualify for services based on past abuse. I don’t know if you have these resources in your state, but it’s worth a try to check. If you go to you county’s social services, you need to report to them that you are being evicted. They will not let a single mother be homeless… there is emergency relief and TANF. Do not mention the option of living with your mother because that sounds like a bad idea – she let you be abused and that is not psychologically good for you to be there. Tell the social worker you will be homeless. Also, DO NOT enroll in college until you clear it with your worker. They can approve college as a ‘to work’ activity so that you can buy yourself some time before you need to work and lose your benefits.

    You definitely should seek out support through a SAFE battered women’s organization… getting couseling for dealing with past abuse is imperative. You may not realize the effects or be able to control reactions as the stress builds when you decide to go on your own. Find a supportive group of women who understand your situation.

    Also, don’t be discouraged if it takes a while to get your GED. There are free GED prep programs funded through Title II money. Many times it only takes a few weeks to prepare, but that is an over-generalization. It really depends on what grade level you are actually functioning at. Many times people struggle with math or writing or all subjects and it can take much longer – but no matter how long it takes it will be worth it!! It looks like you write well, and would do fine on the essay. The preparation should be free. Many times community colleges set up for profit preparation, so make sure to find a free program – they are out there. Also, visit ged123.org and the ACE website. The GED does cost money, and in my state it will go from $50 to $125 in 2014. The test is also going web-based and will be harder, so now is the time to do it.

    You will most definitely qualify for federal grants through fafsa.ed.gov. Do not fill out the fafsa on any other site. They will charge you to file when you can do it for free on fafsa.ed.gov. There are other grants available through Department of Labor (like WIA grants), but if you are planning on attending community college, the federal loans should be enough.

    Good Luck!

  27. You can do it, fight for your son!!! It may seem impossible now, but when things fall into place and you look back you can say that you tried and succeeded! Don’t give up! 🙂

  28. I’m a little late coming into this conversation, but I feel the need to respond.  I’ve been in your shoes, and although I didn’t sign off on my child, I did put her into the custody of her father.  It has been a nightmare and it was something I truly regret doing.  I put her into his care because of my illness that was preventing me from being the best parent I can be.  I barely see our daughter now.  It’s disgusting the brain washing and mental stress that he and his parents have inflicted on our daughter and I.  

    There is a name for this.  It’s called Parental Alienation Syndrome.  There are skeptics out there that refuse to admit that this exists.  The truth of the matter is, that it is a real situation.  The way his parents are pressuring you, is the same way I was pressured.  They are being manipulative and it’s very much (in my opinion)  abusive behavior too.Your son doesn’t need tons of toys, tons of clothes, etc.  He needs your love.  He needs YOU.  If you walk out of his life, or even pass custody of him over to his grandparents, you run the risk of them preventing you from ever seeing him again.  DON”T DO THIS!  Keep fighting for your child, and yourself!

    If you ever need more information, or even just a lending ear to listen, you can message me any time on Facebook.  My heart truly goes out to you!

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