There are times in life when you read or hear about a tragic loss of innocence and you realize that you are witnessing something special…dare I say, magical? When it dawns on you that there has been a convergence of imbeciles the magnitude of which overrides the possibility of all but the saddest, most terrible or horrific outcomes. Yes folks, there’s a phrase I like to save for those unique, over the rainbow moments and that phrase is ‘bucket of spilt fuck’ or ‘bucket o’ spilt fuck’ for those of you who speak leprechaun. This would be the perfect phrase to describe Matthew Bouchard (aka Penis Face — no, not dickhead; he actually looks like a penis see picture) and Alicia Ann Bouchard (aka Catfish Vagina — receding hairline and thinning hair is probably NOT limited to her scalp so I imagine her vagina barely has whiskers at this point) of Jackson County, Florida.
Catfish Vagina is charged with sexual battery, soliciting sexual activity with a child, and child abuse for allegedly encouraging the 12-year-old girl in their care to have sex with her husband. The reason for this alleged heinous act…ol’ Catfish was hoping for an extra support check if her husband got her pregnant. Hell, why didn’t I think of that? That’s some resourcefulness right there because you know what we never run low on in a recession? Young, preteen girls to impregnate!
According to police reports, the Catfish and Penis Face household was under investigation starting about a year ago when police arrested Penis Face on underage sex charges. They later discovered Catfish’s involvement, confirmed by the letter she had sent to the young girl at the shelter where she had been placed. In the heartfelt letter, Catfish Vagina apologizes for forcing the young girl to watch her and her husband have sex (I’m emotionally scarred just from imagining what a clusterfuck that must look like), and goes on to say she was ‘dang sure [she] should not have allowed [her] to have sex with Matt.” Well, alright then…if she was “dang sure” then that pretty much settles it then, doesn’t it? It’s a little like your surgeon making you a quadriplegic during routine surgery then writing you a letter saying he was “dang sure” that he shouldn’t have nicked your spinal cord. I don’t know about you folks, but if I was Catfish Vagina, I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a job offer from Hallmark in my prison mail asking me to head up their new sorry-I-completely-destroyed-your-life-but-here’s-a-card-to-make-it-all-better department.