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Ask BB: How to handle ‘accidental’ touching

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We received the following e-mail not too long ago from someone who is concerned about inappropriate contact with a child. Some details of the e-mail have been changed to protect identities.

Hi, I know none of you are lawyers, but I need some opinions on what to do for a situation involving a 8-year-old girl.

She has told me that her father, when tickling her, has “accidentally” touched her breasts and “thinks it’s funny.” She claims that she’s not uncomfortable with this and knows it’s accidental.

I have given her a book about child sexual abuse which she has read. I also will be seeing her today, and I intend on trying to instill the concept of setting boundaries (though it’s not her fault he’s doing this). I am unsure whether I should also talk to him (this might cause him to prohibit me from seeing her, as he is very sensitive to any criticisms on his parenting) or just call CPS or police (I have done this several times and they always fail to do very much).

As usual, even though the reader mentioned it, I have to preface this by saying that we are not legal experts here at BB and following any advice given is at your own risk.

Before I can personally give my opinion I would need to know how often this ‘touching’ is happening. It is a common occurrence or just a once in a while thing? If it is in fact inappropriate touching and CPS and the police are unwilling to act I would definitely recommend seeking the service of an attorney to see how things can be handled from that point on.

And as usual Breeder Readers, what do you have to say?

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  1. I would have to say that CPS needs to be called. Even if it is not intended to be sexual abuse. The father needs to know that the behavior could be interpreted as sexual abuse. I personally think that an accidental touching while tickling is common and laughing about it would ease any uncomfortable feelings about it. However, it could also be the first step to grooming. I’m also concerned that she felt the need to tell someone this. I find that if a child tells you something this simple there could very well be more going on. I wouldn’t take the chance.

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  3. If it happened once, then it can be chalked up to an accident. But the way this was written, it’s like it happens regularly. The first time may well have been an accident. People flail around when tickled and a hand may accidentally hit the chest. If it happened again then it’s abuse in my opinion. Most people would never tickle a child again if an accident like that happened. They’d be too scared. If he keeps doing it’s like he wants it to happen again. I’d definitely go to CPS. It is making your child uncomfortable, therefore something has to be done.

    1. I got the chance to talk to the dad yesterday about the tickling. I told him that she is getting too old to be tickled, and that my daughter had told me about the “accidental” touching of her breasts. He said, “Yeah, I have hardly been tickling her at all anymore because of that.”
      But when I asked my daughter, she said that this wasn’t true- that he tickles her “all the time.”
      From my observation, this is the truth.
      I’m going to have to remind him, “No tickling!” if I see it happening.
      I have also heard that people won’t usually molest kids if they think they will get caught.
      So just so he knows, he won’t get away with that on my watch.

      1. And as far as calling CPS, I think it would make sense, as someone else suggested, to obtain legal counsel via an attorney. Since I’m the mom, I can go through the family court system. Although, the last time we went to mediation, we were admonished to “work it out on our own,” since we’ve been going there for 6 years.
        He hasn’t been giving me my court-ordered visitation time.
        My calls to CPS in the past HAVE been perceived as a custody issue- even though, in all honesty, although I would love to have her back, it’s more that I see things going on that concern me, and since I can’t be there 24/7 to keep watch, it has seemed like the best solution.

  4. Who tickles 8 year olds isn’t that a bit big? Maybe like a foot tickle. But what really makes me wonder is if she says she’s not uncomfortable why does the conversation come up? After prompting questions? Seems suspicious. And I’d be pissed if someone else gave my kid a book on sex abuse; they know nothing about it and I’d like to keep it that way. Something is bent here

    1. what seriously 8 is not to old to be tickeled

  5. I asked her about the frequency of it, and she got upset with me. She told me that it only happens “once in a while” and that she’s uncomfortable talking about it any further. So I have to respect that.
    He still tickles her frequently, though. I do agree that she’s getting too old for it. She just turned 9, and, incidentally, started her period. So it is a time period I would be particularly concerned about abuse occurring.
    The conversation came up because she was trying to touch MY breasts, and I told her I was uncomfortable with it, that those were MY breasts, not hers. She said, “Well, my dad touches my boobs when he’s tickling me, and he thinks it’s funny.”

    1. Um, no, you don’t have to “respect that.” As a parent you may have to discuss things you AND your child are uncomfortable with, it is your responsibility AS THE ADULT to make sure that happens.

      You are saying you heard from your child’s father’s roommate that there was blood in her underwear. Is this seriously a situation where you sit back and see what happens?

      When your child has her first period, especially at EIGHT YEARS OLD, you NEED to make sure she has and knows how to use the appropriate products, that she understands what it means and how to deal with it and, (and this is really important, so listen closely) TAKE HER TO A FUCKING DOCTOR. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to go, she is a fucking child, she doesn’t make the rules, YOU do. Please grow up, for your child’s sake.

      1. very well said

      2. Concerned Mother

        Thank you, I needed to hear that.
        I called her dad right after I read your comment and told him basically what you said- which I totally agree with- we are the parents, and we make the rules.
        The problem is that he thinks he is the only parent with any input, and he is what you would call a “die-hard hippie” who doesn’t believe in medical care unless it’s as “a last resort.” As I mentioned in other comments, he’s already almost lost her to CPS due to not treating a staph infection.
        I told him that, since we share joint legal custody, I’m supposed to have a say, too, and I have the right to take my child to a doctor.
        It turned into a huge fight, unfortunately.
        I told him I’d buy the pads, since he’s claiming he can’t afford them right now. At least he’s finally acknowledged that she needs them. And I’ll teach her how to use them- as strange as it seems to me that she’s even gotten her period already, it’s the reality- so I’ve gotta adjust.

  6. As you can see by my screen name, I am the mother of this child. I have limited custody of her, and sexual abuse concerns (on the part of both her father and her uncle) have come up before; but, as I’ve said, nothing has been proven as far as investigations go.
    I got the book (which is not graphic), called “No More Secrets For Me,” which basically conveys the message that ANY inappropriate behavior by an adult should be communicated both to the adult engaging in it, as well as telling another trusted adult.
    She said something else the other night that concerned me. She wrapped herself up in a robe after her shower, with no pajamas on. I told her that she needed to put pajamas on, too. And I asked her to make sure she was wearing underwear.
    Her response was, “It’s not like my dad hasn’t seen me naked before.” Does she mean as a younger child or now???

    1. That last paragraph deeply disturbs me. The whole “no pyjamas” and the fact that you have to make sure she’s wearing underwear. It could be a sensory thing if she doesn’t like to wear underwear, (my cousin’s son used to go commando if my cousin didn’t check!) But since you say she’s started her period and the fact that she’s 9 is really concerning. If her dad is allowing her to not wear underwear (or even encouraging her), that’s really creepy. And the whole robe thing and the remark sounds really provocative. I would investigate further and record that this happened.

      1. Her dad has said that, even though she’s started her period, she’s not allowed to wear pads; even though she’s developing breasts, she isn’t allowed to wear a bra.
        She actually “started her period” a few months BEFORE she turned 9! I thought it was really strange. Her dad’s roommate said that she found “a lot” of blood in her underwear. What’s strange to me is that she doesn’t seem to be getting a “period” on a monthly basis. I honestly don’t even know if it’s happened since then. I thought something happened to her, but since she’s developing breasts and armpit hair, I guess it’s possible that she had her period.
        I told her that we should go to the doctor (her dad, for the most part, refuses to take her to doctors- even for serious medical issues), but she told me she didn’t want to talk to a doctor because it was “embarrassing.”

        1. Not allowed to wear pads? Have fun soaking and/or replacing underwear at an astronomical rate then…it’s possible that he might just be uncomfortable dealing with that stuff. Perhaps his female roommate could take your daughter out for a girl day and get her some pads and underwear (when you’re not there). Once she knows how to use them, there’s no need for dad to be involved. Periods don’t become regular until a few years later, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

          If dad doesn’t take your daughter to the doctor, that constitutes as neglect – he’s not getting her medical help. A good reason for them to take custody off of him.

          1. I think he is uncomfortable dealing with girl stuff. He has admitted that to his roommate.
            Yes, he almost lost custody for neglect more than once. Most recently because he didn’t seek treatment for a staph infection. He was reported to CPS by 3 people: the school nurse, the babysitter, and myself. For whatever reason, they ended up closing the case.

          2. Every time he does this and you see your girl sick, report it. Every time she comes to you soaked in blood because she doesn’t have a pad, report that too (comes under neglect also). Please stay on their case, unfortunately these agencies need to be pushed to do their jobs properly.

          3. You’re right about CPS needing to be pushed! I know I shouldn’t give up- and I should keep reporting stuff. Regardless of how mad the dad gets at me.

      2. provacative really my nephew likes to sleep naked my sister has to make him wear boxers i guess he said underwear to bead is not comfy no provocation there

        1. She was being defiant about not wearing pj’s under her robe. She said something disturbing “It’s not like my dad hasn’t seen me naked before” – that sounds like something I would say to my partner, “it’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before”. See how that could be provocative?

          1. I agree with you. This is definitely something I will have to discuss with her further. Just to ask her what she meant when she said her dad had seen her naked before. Because like I said, it would kinda make sense when she was younger and needed help with baths, potty, etc., but not now.

          2. Now.. What if the child made that comment to her mother? Would you accuse the mother of molestation?

    2. It’s his child. Who cares if he saw her naked when she obviously doesn’t have a problem with it?

      Most people would say any dad shouldn’t see his little girl naked past babyhood. Why? Does society actually believe when a man sees a vagina he can’t control himself and will have sex with the person, regardless of if it’s a child or his child? Why are we not saying mothers shouldn’t see their daughters naked because they could turn into lesbians and molest them?

      Ridiculous. 🙁

  7. Why would the mother not want to talk to the father? it is her child too

    1. He has the control right now, unfortunately. I just got myself out of a domestic violence situation, obtaining a 5-year restraining order against the guy. My daughter’s dad has had custody of her since she was 3. At that time, I had left him with her without telling him where we were for a week. He accused me of parental kidnapping. I’m still working on getting her back.
      He “says” I left for no reason, and has torn me apart in court.
      I guess I’m a little intimidated by him. But I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t let him stop me from getting my baby back.

  8. Here’s my two bob: all of these things that you’re saying are ringing huge alarm bells. The fact that she’s tried to touch you like she says her dad touches her, she’s uncomfortable when talking about her dad (possibly because he’s threatened her or she doesn’t want him to get into trouble) and the whole no underwear/no pyjamas thing.
    I’ve had the good fortune to have never suffered sexual abuse in my childhood, but in most NSW schools they run a child protection course that kids attend – which does involve theoretical stories about situations where a kid could be abused (usually involving creepy babysitters or family members). The stories are designed to give you that “yucky” feeling so that if you ever feel that feeling about someone or something, you know to tell someone. It was basically “No, Go, Tell” – Say no to the person, go away from them, and tell an adult.
    Because of what I learned, what you’re telling us is throwing up huge red flags. I would stop visitations and explain your concerns.

    1. I am the visiting parent; he is the custodial parent. I have to go to the house to find out what’s going on.

  9. Hmmm…I never thought about tickling being inappropriate. My girls are 2 & 4 so I suspect that when I tickle them there’s no realisation on their part that I’m tickling them where boobies might grow one day…I’ll have to be more aware of that as they get older. I never want them to get too old to be ticked by Mummy but I know they will. :0(

  10. Call CPS each and every time. The problem is that there has to be disclosure from your daughter to CPS or actual evidence. They can’t just remove a child because they think something is possible. But I will warn you that if you are calling CPS, and they begin to feel this is a custody issue and not real harm, you will no longer have an advocate in that office.

    Also, the only way CPS can do ANYTHING is with a judge’s signature. So stop always placing blame on CPS. Everything is up to the judge.

    1. I’m going to have to go against your views of “not blaming CPS” and “they can’t do anything without full disclosure or actual evidence.”. That’s a lie. I know firsthand that CPS workers fabricate a lot of their so called evidence and the ones I dealt with were extremely lazy, unprofessional and just plain ignorant. In some cases, they’re the real danger!

      1. While I’m not exactly sure how you know how EVERY CPS worker, in EVERY county, in EVERY state works, you are WRONG in that, again, nothing can be done, without a judge’s signature. So you can claim fabrication and lies, but if they removed a kid, a judge believed them and authorized it.

        1. CAS will often do something and then get a judge to sign off on it later. This includes apprehensions. They happen ALL the time without a judge first agreeing.

    2. CAS/CPS apprehends first and asks questions later. They DO remove children without any evidence to support an apprehension. ESPECIALLY in families that are native or have disabled children.

  11. Sounds like a custody battle to me. I may be wrong and if I am so sorry. I see this with my own family members (sister, brother -in -law, and bio Mom.) In my case it is my older sister and husband picking on the bio mom. Tickling is not a bad thing, my daughter loves to be tickled and she also is 9, not too old. Yes there is bad touching and good touching. But when you are rough housing it can happen. Thank god I have my little happy family.

    1. I was actually concerned about boundary issues before we even split up. And it was one of the main reasons I kept leaving him (but, stupidly, kept going back). Mostly, the fact that he had poor boundaries with me, and I thought that eventually might extend to my daughter.
      Now, granted, I was sexually abused growing up, and I do tend to be on the paranoid side. Just want to make sure nothing happens to my little girl 🙁

      1. BE PARANOID – IT’S OK! My Mom was paranoid about it too regarding my step-dick, sadly, since he openly disliked me (he couldn’t stand that my oldest brother and I were both smarter than he was, even as young kids) and was very affectionate with my sister so Mom watched him like a hawk around Cat, but thought he’d never touch me because he didn’t like me. He never touched Cat, just me. I don’t blame her, she tried to figure out the hinky feeling she had about him, she was just blinded by what seemed obvious at the time. If it feels wrong, it more than likely IS wrong! Trust your gut feelings! I wish you the best of luck!

        1. Concerned Mother

          I am going to keep my radar on all the time when I am there.
          It’s actually kind of a blessing that I don’t have a new place yet, so that I can be there and see firsthand what is really going on.

  12. Take the child to the Emergency Room and explain the situation to them. Then ask about getting a temporary custody order until the investigation is over, which if there is sexual abuse occurring, I’m pretty sure the judge would not allow your daughter around her father anymore, and he will go to prison for it.

    1. ya cause a rape kit isnt gonna tramatise a little girl

      1. A rape kit wouldn’t be automatic, especially if the discussion is about touching her breasts and NOT her vaginal area.

      2. thenwhy take her to the er doctor its a life or death emercency i think meybey whilst playing my ex may have inadvertantly or not touched my daughters breastle area a while ago am im concerned about his attitude on the whole thing and that he might have boundary issues so i took her to er not crazy you could talk to the girl how bout taking her to a counceler just to get the ball rolling

  13. k tlook deep in your mommy heart o you think your babie is being hurt do you think she is ok b and what do you mean there is molestation concern for the dad and uncle is this colored by youre sexual abuse history and you are over comensating by being extra vigalant not accusing just asking remember that its hard for a child with the budding body of a woman talk to the room mate she could tell you if any thing seems wierd and you kneed to gt comfortable getting youre child to talk abouit bodie issues because as a girl that developes early she hasa tuff road ahead of her she needs to be comfortable with who she is and provided the dad isnt a perve shew is gonna need him if you cant get her to talk “period” lol try getting an older teen girl to talk to her about it kid often idolis teens so this meybey a goodway to get her to opebn up also its not wrong for a dad to see there 9 year old daughter nude as long as he isnt a pervert its perfectly normal to tickle a 9 year old the early onsett puberty is the monkey wrench and its obvious he isnt sexualizing her in an adult mannier cause of the whole no bras no pads lalal laal no puberty if i close my eyes and wish real hard seems to me what thats all about and as for the no undies thing all woman sneed to sleep with out underwear on sometimes so you can breath down there but boxers will do the trick my nephew refused to wear jammies to bed he gets to hott and my sis would often find him naked in the morning shd coundnt even get him to wear undies to bed but pow boxers did the trick bkeep the lines of communication open and remember people on this site are a bit reactionary when it comes to child abuse of all kind we dont know the man you do we are not qualified to judge listen to youre daughter and youre heart she is old enough ask her point blank just make sure you do not alienate her from her dad if he is not a pervert she is gonna need him

    1. Concerned Mother

      The concerns I had about her dad when we were together were that he was always pushing sex on me, often in front of our daughter. I just thought that if he was capable of that, what else was he capable of? I told CPS about it, but they didn’t seem concerned about the possibility of sexual abuse- because of my own issues, including the parental kidnapping, they wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say.
      As for the uncle, during a time period right after I had developed schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and depression) and only saw my daughter during supervised visitation for a couple of hours a week, she was usually with her babysitter because her dad was overwhelmed with work and childcare and needed the help….so a year later, when I was back in the picture and doing well on my meds, I talked to Lee, and she claimed that my daughter had grabbed her grandson’s private parts- they freaked out, and then they asked her if anyone had ever touched her there- she immediately replied, “My Uncle ****” I asked if she had talked to the dad about this, and said that she had, and that his immediate response was, “Well, ****** does have a tendency to lie.” Followed by “firing” her as the babysitter soon after that. So I called the police, and they did an investigation. They didn’t find anything, so I have tried my best to not make any more calls to authorities, since there hasn’t been anything else that obviously screams “molestation”…like I said, I never know if I am hyper-vigilant because of my own abuse or if I am just able to pick up on warning signs because of my experiences.

      1. talk to youre daughter and talk and talk and talk
        and good luck and remember to breath

        1. She should STOP talking and listen.

  14. Yep, you seem real concernednow that your woman beater man is gone. I bet you have not had much to do with your kids in the last 5 years. You need help and so do half the people on here. Rape kit, Wtf, CPS, Wtf, for tickling? This ” mother” is obviously seeking attention, and you guys sure are giving it to her. I call major bullshit on this story. OR the mom is completely crazy, they don’t give dads full custody for nothing. All the period talk kind freaks me out. If any of it is true …what kind of mom would not sit her daughter down and explain simple hygiene???? Dad won’t let her wear pads????? Bullshit, crazy attention seeker, right here.Some of you people need to get a grip. You read to much BB not every dad is a piece of shit. She is progecting her own issues on her 9 year old daughter..if its real, BIG IF LOL

    1. I understand where you are coming from. Non custodial parents like all the time and have kids lie as well. my family knows that first hand. if this mother was really concerned why has she not called the police? Why would she be concerned with getting the father upset? It is not often fathers win custody so there must be a reason for that. girls can and do start periods at age 8 sometimes even younger but it seems to me the mother was trying to find a way o tying it in with the abuse she is claiming happens. One comment she made I do not underrstand. She said when the child was 3 she left him with her, then said the father claimed parental kidnapping so did she leave the child or not? 5+ years of fighting and still has not gotten her back?

      1. Concerned Mother

        You may have misunderstood what I said. Basically, as I was describing below, there were issues going on in this relationship- I stupidly kept going back to him, feeling like I couldn’t handle being a single mom- we had broken up and gotten back together several times, and one of the main issues was that he continually pushed sex on me, often in front of our daughter. I knew that since I was molested growing up, it was possible that I could have been overreacting- and all our friends who knew about it usually said this (we were “hippies” back then, so of course they thought the sex thing wasn’t really a big deal- I never had time for sex, and they all felt like it was normal for him to want it and understood why he would be pushy if I never put out)- so like I said, I kept going back and trying to work it out- but this last time we broke up, I really freaked out because we had a huge fight over it and he was demanding joint custody…I felt like I couldn’t trust him alone with a little girl, and he said, “F**** you, you stupid b****”, I ran at him and punched him, and he almost punched me back (he is 6’4″)…it scared me enough that I took off without telling him the next day…he filed a missing person’s report, the police saw me at my old job picking up my last check so I could buy diapers (I was in a homeless shelter), and it’s a complicated story, but basically, they picked up on the fact that I had mental health issues (still undiagnosed at that point) and sent me to the psych emergency room; while I was there, my ex and his family filed for emergency temporary custody.
        When I was released, it still hadn’t been approved by the judge, and I could have picked her up, but I was afraid of his family (stupid, I know- I will always regret being intimidated by them), and I also thought that long-term, I would stand a better chance of getting her back if I didn’t start another battle with them.
        A year after that, we had joint custody- though I only had her on the weekends, it was still considered joint. Then I developed full-blown schizoaffective disorder and voluntarily placed myself on supervised visitation (I know, who does that?) until my meds could get stabilized.
        About a year ago, I got weekends again, but since I stupidly went off my meds for a while (thinking of the health risks and the horrible side effects) and met the guy I was in the abusive relationship with (being off my meds obviously causes me to make poor judgment calls). When the police were called on him, I again voluntarily agreed to alter my visitation schedule- which is why I have the visits at the dad’s house now (and no overnights- he doesn’t want me there that long, I guess). We haven’t gone back to court to alter the schedule, however- it was a verbal change- and the dad’s agreed that as soon as I get a new house and if I stay on my meds and do well, we’ll go back to my having weekends.
        I’m back on my meds, and I honestly don’t know with all the times I’ve messed up if I will ever have her back as much as I want….it may be too late for that. Part of my hesitation in contacting authorities unless I’m 100% sure something is going on, is that she may be placed in foster care and not with me…if she loses both her parents, I don’t know how she will handle it…she’s been through enough already. But, of course, if I ever know for sure something is happening, I will- and I’ll have to take the risk- knowing that her safety is more important than her being with her biological parents.

    2. Concerned Mother

      I understand why you would think that. Read my replies below and you’ll understand a little more what’s been going on.
      I am nervous about explaining period stuff because of my own molestation issues- I feel awkward talking about that stuff- and I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, and I’m afraid to make too many waves with the dad- the child custody mediator said she wants us to stop coming to court and wants us to “work it out between us” and co-parent instead, so that’s what I’m trying to do.
      Yes, I do have a mental illness, and yes, that’s the reason why he has custody. It’s been a continual struggle. As far as imagining the no pads thing…no…the dad is a hardcore hippie who bathes about once a month…and he is also uncomfortable dealing with “girl stuff,” like I’ve said in my previous comments.

      1. Your reply does not make sense. Being uncomfortable talking to her about period stuff does not come from being molested. i raised my daughter with no uncomfortable topics. The only thing I would not and do not talk about is being molested. If anything it made me more vigilant in making sure my kids knew everything they needed to know growing up. I’m afraid you are pushing your own feelings of uncomfortableness on your daughter and that is wrong. i do believe your current issue’s of not trusting dad or uncle come from what happened to you

    3. i was bringing up the obserdity ofa rape kit for tickling

  15. I would probably be cagey and not want to talk about it anymore either if my mom continually questioned me with obvious sexual abuse questions examining every detail of my interactions with my primary caregiver.

    Spotting irregularly is perfectly normal when a girl first gets her period, especially since she is on the young end of things. Spotting irregularly can last up to a few years. Almost nine is perfectly acceptable age to start menses. Due to several factors (my favorite target is hormones in our foods) girls are starting on average earlier than they did 20 and 30 years ago. Google it.

    It sounds like mom has been absent, and dad thought he’d have a few more years before he’d have to have that talk. If the “female friend” found bloody underwear from the girl having her period, that makes me think, the poor kid started, didn’t really know what was going on, and didn’t feel she had anyone she could talk to, because dad is squeamish and mom does these angling questions that never stop at the casual mention of any little thing. She needs someone to be the grown-up and explain what that means and how to deal with it properly.

    If tickling where dad’s hand occasionally brushes the front of the girl’s chest when she is writhing around from being tickled, is really the only thing all these questions can dredge up, and dad has already said he sees the problem and is going to tell the kid she is too old, then I don’t see an abusive situation. I see a “it sucks to be female sometimes” situation. It’s no fun to suddenly be too old to be tickled or too old to roughhouse just because you are a girl and these things sprout on your chest.

    1. I bought her pads and showed her how to use them. She asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them to the best of my ability.
      I can do this!!! LOL.

  16. Have you ever considered she is having vaginal bleeding because she is being sexually assaulted? She may be showing signs of maturing (ie. armpit hair, breast development) because that is what happens with repeated sexual molestation of children. You need to stop making excuses for yourself and this guy. If you have a gut feeling that is concerning, you need to listen to that sixth sense of yours. Call CPS, the police, etc. You are supposed to be protecting your child, even if you don’t have custody. Small children don’t say things like that. They don’t make things up. Be assertive, aggressive, and do something asap!!

    1. I have considered it, actually…that was my first thought, but when I saw her developing, I figured it must have really been her period…I had no idea that molestation led to maturing of children.

      I think you are right that I need to stop making excuses. But hopefully, the authorities will actually do something about it this time.

    2. Children do lie Maureen. As for her maturing early does not normally happen due to molestation. Google it throughout history millions of kids mature early.

    3. The early maturation is more likely a result of hormones in the food we eat. My 17 year old niece started developing at 7, got breast buds at 8 and her period at 9. All of it due to the hormones in the meat and dairy that we eat.

  17. I know PLENTY of small children who make up crazy things, even things about what we adults would consider abuse. I know full-well that most of these stories aren’t true… While I don’t disagree with what you are saying, I disagree with “They don’t make things up.” They can, and especially when they live in a parent-centered environment and hear more than they should.

    I say go with the gut feeling. We have intuition for a reason. Mine has never failed me.

  18. We’re going to the doctor next week- whether her and/or her dad like it or not. I’ve already set up the appointment, and she *will* be there. Hopefully it will be a time of reassurance and not a realization that something bad really *has* happened.

  19. There are so many red flags here, questionable tickling, not accepting changes related to puberty, the father’s defensiveness about bleeding and doctor’s visits, having chosen a wife who due to her own medical situation is afraid to pursue concerns and if she does may be discredited, a dad who initiated sexual activity in the presence of the daughter, the uncle, the daughter’s avoidance of the subject as opposed to straight out “no mom, it’s not like that.” To concerned mom, I don’t know what your options are. Sounds as though your family and his family are not good sources of help and support, that you don’t have faith in CPS. However, you have spoken of mental issues you are struggling with, requiring medication. Could you talk with your physician or psychiatrist about your concerns. Take care with forcing or even pressuring your daughter to make the first moves or accusations as she have been made to feel responsible for what is, no fingers pointed here, the family dysfunction. I am not an alarmist, but even if your daughter is inventing stuff, that alone is cause for concern.

    1. Hi…I changed my screen name to “Nat.” I’m “Concerned Mother.” 😉
      I am not together with her dad anymore, but as I’ve mentioned in previous comments, he is not letting me have her at my house right now- even though the court order states that I am to have normal visitation (not supervised by anyone). He’s also cut back my time significantly with her, and won’t allow me to spend the night there anymore unless she gets her room cleaned up to his liking.
      Yes, CPS never has listened to me, unfortunately…they knew about the sexual activity in front of my daughter, but the social worker told me, as I was crying in psychiatric emergency services, that “just because he’s been real pushy with you doesn’t mean he’d do anything to your daughter.” But, as we can see, over the years, as he’s maintained custody, the red flags have just increased.
      I had a really hard time getting my daughter to talk about the situation with her uncle- but I do know that she used to tell me, “I love everyone in my family but my Uncle ****” and there were other red flags with him as well. The police did a full investigation, but since it was a year after it supposedly happened that the babysitter finally told me what my daughter said, there was no evidence…but I thought, maybe at least that meant it wasn’t ongoing? I didn’t know what else to do at that point, and her dad was threatening to get a civil harrassment order against me.
      Like I’ve said, she’ll be going to the doctor next week. I’m not going to force her to talk about anything- rather, I’m hoping this visit will prompt some sort of discussion that will lead to greater insight. I’m planning to pray a lot beforehand!
      I’m not sure what my psychiatrist would do- but that’s definitely an idea.
      Everyone’s been noticing a lot of lying lately from my daughter, but I believe that is because her dad’s expectations are so high- she doesn’t want to get in trouble. She’s admitted that’s why she does it.
      But the disclosure about her uncle happened when she was 5 years old, so I doubt she made that up.
      The tickling thing is true- her dad admitted it, and said that he would “try not to tickle her anymore.”

  20. Short answer: guys who tickle know perfectly well what they are tickling. He’s trying to see what he can get away with. Stop it now – don’t let him do it one more time.

    1. Though he promised not to tickle anymore, he still does. As far as my daughter says & as far as I have seen, nothing inappropriate anymore, but I am on guard.
      I have called CPS 6 times in the past 9 months (for different concerns), and to my knowledge they still have not investigated.
      I finally got him to sign an agreement stating that she could come to my house on the weekends, and hopefully if I remain stable I can eventually get her back. I am on my psych meds and doing well. I’m clean and sober and he still is not.

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